Tips for completing an at-home, do-it-yourself, dye job.
You will need: A box of Blue Light Special, discount hair dye in Red #44, a comb, rubber gloves, and a towel that you don’t mind staining.
Upon successful completion of this project you will:
– look as if you are bleeding from a massive blunt force trauma to the skull and/or lacerations to your upper extremities.
– have imbued your home with the intoxicating aroma of cheap chemicals.
– have an unexpected, wholly new color scheme in your bathroom.
– have an uncontrollable urge to take absurd selfies.
Ready? Let’s begin!
Step One: Make sure your children are either in bed or out of the house. This may cost you either sleep and/or the favor of your spouse.
Step Two: Assemble your tools. Clothing optional (saves on the amount of clean up afterwards and eliminates the possibility of introducing stray globs of hair dye into your next batch of laundry). Put in your contacts — ain’t no way you’re getting this done in glasses.
Step Three: Adjourn to the bathroom. Follow the instructions on the box. Carefully.
Step Four: Realize that you mixed Tube # 1 into Bottle #3 instead of Bottle #2. Quickly transfer the contents of Bottle #3 into Bottle #2. Clean up the ensuing spill and scrape the excess off the counter and into Bottle #2. Realize you forgot to put on rubber gloves.
Step Five: Wash hands vigorously before they are permanently stained orange. Finish mixing the contents of Tube #1 and Bottle #3 into Bottle #2. Apply gloves.
Step Six: Apply mixture to the roots of your hair, evenly distributing the mixture from root to tip. Avoid contact with the skin and eyes.
Step Seven: Fail to avoid contact with your skin and/or eyes.
Step Eight: Immediately develop an itch in the corner of your right eye. Locate the gloved finger that appears to have not yet come in contact with dye and scratch. Realize you were wrong about the dye.
Step Nine: Finish applying the dye to your remaining hair with one eye shut.
Step Ten: Pass a comb through your hair to ensure the dye is evenly distributed. Pile your hair on top of your head and set a timer for 30 minutes.
Begin the frantic race against time to remove errant dye from your ears, neck, forehead, cheeks, arms, wrists, shoulders and various bathroom fixtures.
Step Eleven: Fail.
Remember the dye-encrusted comb that you left beside the sink. Retrieve and give a rinse. Give up, and dispose of comb.
Step Twelve: As you begin to accept the new color scheme of your bathroom, prepare to hop in the shower to rinse out the dye.
Pro-tip: “shampoo” your hair with the dye as you hold your head beneath the running water, ensuring that the dye is thoroughly incorporated through out your roots as well as beneath your fingernails. Make sure you have color-safe conditioner at the ready.
Step Thirteen: Realize you don’t own any color-safe conditioner. Realize also that the hot water is off. Run downstairs to wash your hair in the kitchen sink until the water runs clear.
Step Fourteen: Develop a terrible crick in your neck from having your head bent over into the sink. Realize the water will never run clear.
Step Fifteen: Towel dry, then blow dry and style as desired. Or, if in the case you are tackling this project at 11pm at night, go to bed with wet hair to avoid waking your slumbering child. Sleep on old towels to avoid staining your bedding.
Step Sixteen: (optional) Take a bunch of selfies.